As far back as I can remember I wanted to be thin.
When I was in college, this sickness began. I remember freshman year this girl Diana said to me “you used to be so tiny.” I didn’t feel big. What in the actual F DIANA!! From that point, I began comparing myself to everyone.
I wished I looked like this one, I wish my nose was tiny like that one. I wished my belly was flat. I never felt good enough…thin enough.
Most days at work, I hear women of all ages wishing they could look like someone else. I hear them talk about their weight and how they aren’t good enough. How the scale rules, ruins or saves entire days.
Today this hit me especially hard. A girl and HER MOTHER talking about how they need to work so hard, they have been “so bad” with food. So here they are…slaving on the step mill to get to an appropriate calorie burn to take away some of that guilt shame and remorse.
Why are we like this ladies??? Why aren’t we just good enough??? Why do numbers on a scale predetermine our success?? Why???
I wish every woman I know could be more like my friend, my friend Wertz. Since I have met her, I have been in awe of her and her confidence. Wertz embraces her shape. She always has. I remember when she was going through a bad time and I was as well, we would text and talk every night. One night, she showed me the pics she had taken for her then husband. A boudoir shoot.
I remember looking at these pics in awe. She was so confident so beautiful. There I was, wearing a tank top under my tank top, so my belly didn’t stick out and embarrass me. When she walks in a room she gives zero F’s to what anyone thinks. She walks with this super sexy swagger that oozes self-confidence. She makes me proud to be her friend.
I want my daughter to carry herself like my friend does. I pray she never feels the insecurity I have always struggled with. I hope she doesn’t pick at her shirts and put her knees in the front of all her tops to stretch them. I pray I never instill this sickness. I pray she never avoids a mirror or lifts her shirt to look at her belly and feel shame and disgust.
I hope she has great friends. I hope they travel and have amazing experiences. I hope she eats pizza at 3am and doesn’t punish herself the next day with a workout aiming to burn 800 calories.
A workout to punish…for enjoying life.
I am happy to say, over quarantine I made the shift. I am no longer punishing myself. I no longer have off limit foods. I’m living here in moderation. I have days where I am a nutrition super star. I have days where I eat bacon and wash it down with coco pebbles.
My daughter told me last month, “Mama, I wear a bikini because I have a big belly. That’s why they make bikinis mom, for girls like me to show off our bellies”
I was so happy she said that. She didn’t feel uncomfortable, she felt proud.
Enjoy this life my friends. Teach your kids to enjoy this life. Be amazing. Let the small of fresh bread bring you happy memories. We only live once. Let’s teach our kids and ourselves what’s really important…kindness and love.
Comments